If I Lose Myself, I Lose It All

IMG_0368I’ve obviously entered the next chapter of my life lately. There has been the biggest storm and just pure amount of what the fuck in it, that has only made me stronger and made me see things clearly.

“She survived whatever happened; she forgave, she became.” 

-W.H.Auden, The Model

I’ve gone through the hardest and best summer and especially the last month. The last year has been just WOW, and here I am still. Trucking along, feeling happier and more blessed than ever, though never been all around this tired in my life.

I think in a way I’ve finally woken up, finally realized that I am me and I have no interest in changing one damn thing for anyone else. I’ve always been the one who adapts to whatever the other one is going through, forgetting myself and being there for them. But the situations have been one sided, I’ve been the one there, not equally. Not anymore. I’m tired of that.

I know that I have a habit of being too nice, which usually ens up me getting hurt. Happened again. But this time I’m not alone, I have the best safety net around me. I don’t have to go through all of this alone. That humbles me to the bone. I’ve honestly wanted to have this feeling since I was a kid, always been too afraid of actually letting people this close that they can be there for me. I finally stopped fighting and let them come. The scariest and best thing I’ve ever done.

Now that I am entering this new chapter of my life, once more, I feel anxious and uncomfortable, because I’m not sure what I should do or feel. I hate this feeling, it makes me want to jump out of my skin. While I’m in a way more comfortable in my skin than ever before.

After having one of the best weekends with old and new running friends, explaining my weird life situation, I started thinking if I am doing the right thing by staying and trying my best in Copenhagen. The faces and reactions of people when they hear that I don’t have a home or even a job at the moment, they made me think about this whole thing in a different way. Am I doing the right thing, am I?

When you’ve lived the way I am now, for as long as I have, you adapt to things easier and differently than you ever thought possible. You don’t stress about certain things at all, that used to make you feel like it’s all going to hell. If you would’ve said to me in my early twenties that when I’m 31, I won’t have a place to call home, I’m without a job and I’m single and still no idea what I want to be when I grow up, I would’ve laughed at you and said that hell to the no! I was so comfortable and wanted things to be comfortable, so much so that I ended up fucking up that whole thing and make my life harder than it ever should’ve been.

So now that I have this situation as my current life, I am still happier than ever before. I feel richer than ever before, not in money but with pure blessings in my life. I’ve been hurt more than I thought possible. I’ve gone through more than I thought possible and still standing here not ready to give up. I’ve loved more than I thought possible, only to realize that I am alone in that. But I’ve also finally being in the moment and lived my own life, my OWN life. Not caring what someone else thinks of it.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

-Amy Poehler

I do have moments, when I think that what is going to happen, where am I going to end up. I look at people that are my age, doing those things that I thought that I would been doing at this age. Being in a relationship, maybe married, hopefully have kids, sharing my life with someone, have a home that looks like me, have a job that pays the bills and enables me to travel if I feel like it. Isn’t all of that what we should want and have at this point in our lives? I do have moments, not easy to admit, when I think “when is my time”?

I’ve been running away from myself for most of my life, and I feel that I’ve finally stopped. I don’t hate myself anymore, I love myself. I am starting to know who I really am and really enjoying all of that. I feel my strength and it scares the shit out of me at times. My ability to love and forgive is insane. And I absolutely love that about myself. I see or at least try to see things in a positive way, even when shit gets very real. I still have things so much better than so many other people. And that is what keeps me humble. I have to remember how lucky I am.

I met some people last weekend that just made me feel insanely calm and like I want to have their company for long in my life. They’re calmness made the noise around me disappear and instantly made me feel good and at peace. I wish I could tell that to them and make them understand how special they are. But feel that after meeting once it’s a bit too much to just put out there. Maybe it’s not, I truly don’t know. Maybe some of them reads this and understands that I am talking about them.

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”

-Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

 Letting go has been one of the hardest things for me, but once I finally did understand it, the freedom it brought was sweet. I think all of us deep down want to believe in the good in others, which makes us love them harder than we should. With the price of our hearts getting dragged around and thrown away. I am definitely done that. But this is the first time I let go, truly let go and saw how I have done nothing wrong and could forgive to be free again. That stuff is hard and I have no idea why I was able to do it now. Why now and not before? Maybe because I’m really not the person I was before.

In the face of all the new in my life, almost missing people that I don’t even know, feeling scared of what will happen, thinking if I’ll be a nomad for the rest of my life, I still feel stronger than ever before. When I think of all that has been going on, I could easily crumble under the weight, but I’m fighting. I’ve found this warrior in me that is not ready to just give up and crawl under a rock. I have so much in me that needs to be let out and I need to enjoy every step that I have on this planet. I have so many places to visit. I have so much love in me to shine out and give. I have so many kisses and hugs that I need to give and receive.

I have finally, finally, understood that if I lose myself, I lose it all. I am all I have, and I am enough. And I don’t need to know straight away everything, or know what needs to happen next or where I need to be next. I just need to give myself a break to breath and listen to myself. I need to give myself a break to be patient. All will work out.

“Someday someone won’t be afraid of how much you love. They won’t stay on the shore; they’ll meet you in the depths.”

PMA ❤

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How Do I Live With My Depression

IMG_5147Today is the World Mental Health Day and I felt really strongly that I want to write about my depression again. Because it still didn’t magically disappear.

So… How do I live with my depression?

Over the course of the past two years I have found ways that really work well with balancing my depressive mind. I have been working towards this for my whole life, and it has been the hardest battle that I will ever have to fight. And it’s a constant battle, but I am on a right path.

NutritionIMG_4996

I started changing my food choices about two years ago. I saw this documentary called “Hungry For Change” and it really hit me hard. At the time when I saw it I was in a really bad and deep depression. I don’t remember what it was that really made me think “I have two choices, either I keep being how I have been until now or I change everything now and try to improve this life of mine”. But the point is that they talked about depression and how the stuff you eat makes it either worse or better. So there was a clear reason for me to understand and try something new.

So the first things that I did was weave processed foods and drinks away from my diet, not the easiest of things to do. Have you ever tried to get rid of sugars and highly processed foods? Our brain is addicted to them, because the foods and drinks are made of terrible things that make our brain need them… Scary, I would say.

I started feeling better, started loosing weight which made me feel better, because when I saw myself in the mirror I go even more depressed. I felt that I had more energy and I was happier. This all happened slow, not like over night or anything, but fast enough for me to notice.

At the moment I am pretty much plant based or a vegan, how ever you want to say it. For me, my mind and body that is the best way for me to keep going. I still have these moments when I just crave cheese… Then I taste it and it tastes really bad, so I kind of have left that one too. Once I got rid of this mindset that I have to give up foods, all got easier. The truth is that the choices in plant based nutrition are endless, you just have to be open to exploring.

I also want to be honest, during the last two years I have gone in and out of this choice to clean my nutrition. I am an addict when it comes to certain foods and when you have a mental health issues, you are not always the strongest when it comes to deciding what to eat, even if it makes you feel like shit. It’s about that moment of good feeling, even if the shitty feeling comes about five minutes later. Or the guilty feeling. So I have learnt to try to be more gentle with myself and just try my best. That’s all I can do!

RunningIMG_5148

Yeah, running has saved my life! It’s not a hobby, it’s who I am.

The main reason why I started running is that I knew that I have to start doing some physical exercise to feel better. I had old running sneakers, purely for fashion reasons, but good enough for me to use them. The first time I went for a run, my amazing boyfriend came with me and we fast realized that we should not run together haha, but I wanted to keep going. So I did. And I did have this small “relapse” after the first couple of months of that adrenaline happiness. Then I came back to it and now I am still here. I know for a fact, that if I wouldn’t kept running I am not sure that I would still be here.

It’s a noun fact that physical activity balances our mental issues. But for people like me, with bigger problems than everyday stress, it works miracles. These days I notice right away if I haven’t run in a couple of days. The person I am now and who I was two years ago… completely different and only for the better! So I will keep running and dreaming of all the amazing things I can do and have already done with running.

Running is the reason why I love myself, respect myself, know that I can and can’t lie to myself anymore that I can’t. It makes me feel free, beautiful, strong, like a warrior!

It’s a constant challenge and that is exactly why I keep going.

Faith

And I don’t mean religion with that. I mean a way of thinking and using your mind the way that it works the best for you.

I have some religious past in my life, for a short period of time, but I do. For me the way of someone else making the plans and rules for you didn’t work. I had too many questions and that was a problem. What I did have from that time is the ability to pray and calm in that moment. I have been praying on and off, and every time I pray more constantly I notice that I feel more grounded and calmer. I have always taken it more as a talk to a friend, giving thanks and talking about those fears and dreams of mine, asking for patience or guidance. I don’t know who I talk to but it makes me feel better so I keep doing it. My mind feels clearer when I pray.

I am also really into PMA = Positive Mental Attitude, I even have it tattooed on my arm as a reminder. I haven’t always been too positive and it took me a long time after getting that tattoo that I can really act positively. These days I try to tackle all situations first with a positive outlook and ask myself if there even is anything negative or a reason to panic or go all crazy angry.

Lately I have been really interested in Buddhism, as it’s not a religion, it’s more of a way of life. Do the best you can and that is enough, don’t do harm to others with your actions. The more I read about it, the more I feel that I have been a closet practiser of Buddhism. I will learn more and see how I feel. No have to, only interest and learning more.

And the more I learn and read about running, faith, nutrition, anatomy, whatever, the better I feel. Books are my religion :).

Talking

I have always been really blessed with ability to talk about my feelings and through my bad moments. It’s been a savior for sure. I have been going to therapy before in my life and now after moving back home, I went for a “check up”. The fact that I am open with asking for help these days is a huge thing! I highly recommend talking, whether it’s a professional or a friend, please do it even though it’s hard. It will help so much!

I never wanted to take any antidepressant drugs because I felt and still feel that I need to be without them one day so why would I start. But I do respect people who feel that that is the help for them.

So with these things I am in this amazing place in my life. They help me, maybe some of them could help you. If there’s anything anyone wants to ask, please do. I am happy to answer! 🙂

And people with no mental issues or who of you who doesn’t understand how this all feels… Please try to respect the ones who are hurting, this is not an easy task to have everyday. Let’s be good to each other, let’s love and help each other. You are not alone!

LOVE. PMA. HUGS.IMG_4995