Running Away From Or Towards Something?

wp-1484591806749.pngOn my second run of 2017 today I was thinking of how differently we use running as a way to deal with things in our lives. Sometimes we run away from something, sometimes we run towards something or at times we just run. During my run I was thinking the different times of my running life and how different it’s been from one to another.

It’s funny to “go back” and think why and where it all started for me. Why this blog started, why I wanted to do something to change my life.

Back then I was so depressed that I didn’t have that many options to deal with it, and from all the things possible, I chose running. A thing that I deeply hated for almost 15 years before starting it again and finding it’s healing and therapeutic ways. The reason why I hated it so deeply was the fact that in my teenage years I ran track and it was all about getting faster and getting results that weren’t even close to where I could push my body, to the point that I got badly injured for quite a long time, even while I still went to my practices. It was the mindset that was planted by my coach at the time that “if there’s no blood, it can’t hurt” and other productive ways of coaching.

So with all that I started thinking how I wish to help others who run or have recently started running or struggle with their running journey. Because I’m never going to be the fast one, or the one with massive interest in all the schedules and number playing when it comes to running. I’ve gone way past my own limits with running so I know that it’s very much possible to “be more than you thought of possible” in your own body and mind. I’ve made few running dreams true and hope to have few more of those moments in my life still, but I’m not in a mindset that “I need to” because it just takes the fun out of it for me.

Something that I come across a lot and for some reason a lot in Finland, is that there’s this need to do more, push more, be more, not rest enough, do everything serious and super goal oriented. Yes that is a way of moving for some people and they get their kicks out of it, but for some reason the past years it’s been the thing that people drive themselves towards with consequences of injuries and nagging pain in their body that they rather ignore than listen. It seems and feels that if you’re goal oriented you’re doing it “right”, if not then you are just playing around.

Maybe this is only me, but seeing these images on IG of results and how much someone did and why they don’t need rest days, it just doesn’t make any sense to me. I’ve gone through my share of injuries with running, I’ve been the one posting only exercise and health food photos, maybe I needed to go through that phase of my life to find what really works for me.

Last year I basically forgot running, I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t yearn it, I needed a break from it all. Last year I was also in a place where I wasn’t able to run for quite some time, which also sparked the want to start a crew here, to start from the bottom and hopefully helps others in that same position, with the knowledge and experience I’ve gained over my few years in this all.

But the thing is, no matter how important something might be to us, sometimes we just need a break from it. We need to be honest to ourselves and listen to our gut and give our bodies and mind a break from something we’ve learned to lean to every possible time. It’s almost too easy to just run away from something through running, but does it serve a purpose then? Yes, it’s good to exercise and to get your blood moving and get rid of some of that stress that might cause the want to “run away” but it’s also insanely important to be able to stand still with yourself and go through the issue that causes those feelings. We can’t just be goal orientated in life and forget to make mistakes and learn from them and be honest and sometimes afraid or brave and take risks even with those. Being honest with yourself with what you are capable doing and what not, is not only really important but necessary for your well being. Sometimes it’s ugly and at times beautiful, but it’s necessary. None of us can plan our whole life and go with only those plans and never have to come in front of a situation that makes you think again, it would be insane way to live.

So if when I started my own journey with running, I was definitely running away from that feeling that was just like a empty hole in me, now I am running towards something I know already that I have in me, as I’ve done it more than once, but need a reminder. And if I get a feeling of being shitty or adequate next to more goal oriented runners, I try to remind myself that my strengths are in me being able to be honest with myself, being able to listen my body and mind and take those times of nothing when needed. And through my own journey and experience, I hope and feel that I’m easy to approach if needed from someone who is going through something I’ve gone through or just needs a little support or advice. I see that all as my power next to different kind of runners. I don’t need to look perfectly muscular to be “as good as them”, I need to be myself and with that I can help the most. Myself and others.

PMA ❤

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Pressure Point

IMGP8104I’ve reached my breaking point, or at least I’m really close to it.

I’ve always tried to keep this blog and my writings honest but I feel that this might be the time, when I’m brutally honest.

I’m so done, so exhausted and just insanely tired, probably a bit depressed too. In so little time, only little over six months, yes I’m repeating but I feel that I need to see it to finally believe it. So, in only that time, I’ve moved twice from country to country to country, lost my Grandma, tried to get used to living back in Finland where I genuinely don’t feel like I belong at all, found  my first job in few years, getting insanely amazing sponsors for my goals, trying to find myself in all this, having my long relationship coming to an end, trying to grieve the loss of my Grandma, being there for others, trying to train for my Ultra.

I’ve tried so hard to push on, so hard, and I know that I’ve done some amazing work while at it. But I’ve also completely forgot myself and the ability to say that I don’t have anything in me at the moment. And if I don’t say how I’m really feeling, no one will know and they expect that I can do what I’ve done. People tend to forget what’s happened, and I don’t say that in a bad way, it’s just not their life and I would forget it too. So if I don’t say something, no one will know.

I’m feeling like there’s this pressure of doing well, because everything in my life is actually going really well. But there’s also been so much to take, emotionally, that my powers are starting to dwindle down and I’m in a point when I’m just anxious and stressed about the smallest thing.

I’ve been helping other people make their goals and dreams come true, and managed to forget that I’m supposed to put mine first on my lists. Which has ended up me being completely uninspired and with no energy to write and run. I’ve ran because I’ve needed to stay alive and I’ve managed to get almost on every run to this meditation like state, which has been crucial.

But my relationship with my body and mind has gone really sour. For the past months, I’ve been eating whatever or none at all. And in a time when my body image and my body in whole should look better than ever before, it doesn’t, not even close. I’ve gained weight and that makes me feel really bad and insecure, like it has always. I’m eating stuff that I haven’t in such a long time, and all of it is making me feel physically ill and my face is looking like I’m a teenager again. I’m really disappointed in myself and that makes me feel even more shitty. I hate that I feel like this, as I’m supposed to be strong and all, but I can’t be strong all the time, even if I wanted to. But I’ve lost the me that I am now. I’m trying to find that again, but it’s not too easy.

Mostly I’m feeling okay, but it might also be because I haven’t let myself really feel all that I have inside, it’s quite scary.

While I know that I’ve been super hard on myself, I don’t seem to really understand all that has happened in such a short amount of time. I feel extremely lost. And I haven’t really talked about all this, only to one friend, because this all and all the other feelings I have inside aren’t the easy and pretty things to say.

They make me feel super insecure, shitty, unsure about all that I am doing. I don’t feel like that strong, healthy, sexy woman that I already thought I am. All of sudden all that is lost.

I’ve pushed myself in a corner and I’m not sure how to get out.

I have so nice things coming soon, and all I can think is that oh no I look so fat and I don’t have any nice clothes and oh no this and that. I feel like I would just like to hide, but in the same time I can’t wait to see my friends, the people I’ve missed so much and haven’t seen in over half a year.

What I’m feeling at the moment, is only happening because I haven’t been good enough to myself, I’ve forgotten my own health and well being, mind and body. Which unfortunately isn’t too new to me, but this time I’m really tired of this as I’m the one suffering, only me, like before.

Even though I’ve been thinking that I don’t have time to fall, I have to let myself fall and feel all that’s happened. If I don’t, I’m not going to feel any better and I’m only going to fall harder. It’s time for me to put myself first, not after all and everyone else, like I have for way too long.

PMA ❤