Just Why?

It’s 4 in the morning and I’m still awake. Somehow what happened last night won’t let me just go to bed and forget it, not this time.

Last night I went for a run after ten in the night with my dog, the reason for me to go so late was simple, it was really hot during the day and me or the dog can’t really deal with that kind of heat.

Straight after I turned from our corner, this weird dude started following us after he made his point clear by whistling to me. I was walking because I was letting my dog do his business before starting to run. He was just walking behind us and stopping when I stopped, I literally had to walk faster and turn away from the street because I was afraid of him.

I just wanted to run, with my dog who freaking loves that.

Almost at the end of our run, someone honked at me, unfortunately nothing new. Then a lonely car at the intersection decides to say “Psst!” while waiting for the light to change and us running past his car. And probably because I didn’t react, he honked when he passed us.

All of this happened in the timespan of around 40minutes.

The thing that bothers me is that why is this happening, not just me, but in general?!

It makes me feel really unsafe and scared, I don’t know what can happen, ever. And one of the worst things is that I feel that I can’t react, because then I really don’t know what can happen…

This also makes me really angry and sad. Why can’t I run and just do my thing and that’s it, why someone feels the need to do these stupid things and make me feel scared and takes something from me. And what are those people getting from whistling, yelling, honking, whatever they are doing, what are they getting from it?! WHAT?

Do they understand on any level what we are feeling when they do that? For them it is probably a millisecond of fun, for us it can be one of the scariest moments ever, with all kinds of scenarios going in our minds. And the fear doesn’t just leave and all is good, it stays, believe me.

I am a newbie when it comes to harassment. When I lived in Finland, I don’t remember stuff like this happening, or if it did it wasn’t the same, because I don’t remember being afraid like this. Maybe I’ve lived in some bubble, but I would rather live there than have this shit in my life…

Reason why I felt that I need to write about this, was that I was seriously thinking that why am I feeling and thinking that am I making this a bigger deal than it is. Why am I even thinking like that?! Is it some society thing, that if something like this happens, you are supposed to just push it down a bit and keep going and not say anything? Or is this some girl versus boys thing? That girls make things bigger in minds of boys. And I should probably say women versus men.

One friend of mine said something that really made me stop, she said ” someone please hit the reset button on this planet of ours”. I really wish that too. The amount of bad in this world is just insane, it’s hard to comprehend it, because it doesn’t make any sense why we are so just bad to each other.

I hate that I am trying to understand why someone would harass anyone? Why do I need to understand something like that?

This whole thing fills my head with questions and makes me afraid and vary of every guy when I go outside, at least here where I live. Though I feel that it’s elsewhere too these days.

Why something like this is a everyday thing for me or anyone else, just why? Why someone thinks that honking to me while I’m running is a good idea, just why?

I just want to do what I love and what is my lifeline in peace. That’s all. Please let me have this.

All I’m asking is, WHY?

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Fuck You Asshole & Thank You Running

I think that in every family has that one person who manages to hurt you with useless remarks or puts you down in situations where, if someone else would say the same thing as you, they wouldn’t react but with you they just react like no other.
I have never understood why some people have this kind of need. To “share” their own bad feeling or pain to someone who is completely innocent and have nothing to do with the actual reason. And why some people like me in this case makes them react like that.
Or why is it so hard for some people to accept that you have changed and aren’t the same young person that you were 10 years ago?!
But even when you deep down know that it’s not about you, but about that persons own dark emotions, it’s extremely painfull to take it without hurting and making you think that you’ve done something wrong. Even though you haven’t. And start to think always that why you have to be that target always.
And when it comes to family, whether it’s close or little bit further, they will be your family for the rest of your life and you don’t really have any saying in that. You have to tolerate them, and even through all shit you love them. And that is the hard part! How to keep loving someone you puts you down and hurts you like that, mostly infront rest of your family.
They might be the most important person to you and then they do shit like that, but don’t see that themselves, which makes it even worse because it feels completely useless saying anything about it.

But then you have to remind yourself that it’s not about you, it’s their problem and you have to try your hardest to remember that you are amazing and have done nothing wrong. But that is the hardest thing to remember in those situations when you hurt like hell.

I have made complete U-turn in my life this past year. I’m so goddamn proud of myself and I know that my only way is up! I wish that even those hardest skin people would give me a chance to show how amazing I am these days. Isn’t that what weall wish, to just have a chance to be what we are in our best?!
Running has changed me completely. It has given me the strenght to believe in myself, to make me change my willingness to always give up and just keep going because I’ve already shown myself that I can and even more. I love running because it gave me new chance to live my life better. It made me love myself first time in 29 years. How effing awesome that is!!
I wish that all assholesthat this world carries, would have something in their life that would make them feel so good that they don’t have to be assholes without any reason. That is my only wish tonight. Let’s be nice to each other and let’s be genuinely proud of each others good things and feelings!!

Here’s one photo that I found and it’s about not being perfect in that Big sense but being perfect with all our imperfects. Let’s just love❤️.

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