When Passion Turns Into Doubts And Fear

wp-1476214605352.pngI feel little nervous even writing now, it feels that it’s so long since I last wrote a piece that felt something and made me fear to get it out a bit. Usually those are the ones that give the most after they are done.

I’m on the verge of recovering myself again, once again. The me I’ve been last year or the two years ago is so far from the me I am now. And the me I am now, I’m not even sure who that is, I am am very much in the search of that Me.

This year has completely thrown me on a spin of feelings that I did not expect and got very off guard because of them and how they truly made me feel. The things that were my biggest passions have dwindled into things that I feel no interest in doing and am really pushing to being interest again, as I know in the deepest place in me that they do bring me joy and support in a way that not others can.

When I started this blog, I remember how the words just flew off from my fingers and writing was really easy, not grammatically good but I got the feelings out and felt always better after. Probably because I never thought that no one is actually really reading what I wrote so there was no pressure in what I did, I just let all it out. This whole year has been a low key on this blog, I’ve felt strongly that I don’t really have anything to say worth writing about, which might have made me feel even more confused with all. As I haven’t written about them to anywhere else either. I’ve also felt this massive pressure to write anything at all, there’s so many amazing blogs around and I’ve just felt that what do I have to say that someone actually would like to read, do I really have something to say?!

It’s been the same with my running, or more like the lack of it, or with any physical activity in my life this year. No interest what so ever, which has been so tiring and weird but a relief too. Two years ago I did nothing else than run, I ran to heal myself from the pain of loosing my Grandma, from the end of a long and meaningful relationship, the changes I had in my life, from the confusion of it all. I ran to feel better, I ran from it, I ran to it, I just ran. And I’ve felt many times that I just ran out of that course in my life, I didn’t have anymore running or anything else in my life. And I felt and have still felt really guilty of that feeling, or not having any interest in doing anything, while so many know me through my running and now I am nothing, in a way, or at least I am not doing anything in that way.

This year has just flew past, it doesn’t feel real, so much has happened and still it feels like no time has gone by. That’s what’s scaring me so much, the realization of how fast time moves on without no care about if we have done anything with it, good or bad, to others or ourselves. And in this world we live in, it feels so often than if you don’t do do do and do something all the time, you are nothing at all. If you don’t have something to show for every damn thing all the time, you basically don’t even exist.

I’ve gotten so tired of that all, the last couple of months I’ve noticed how I have no tolerance for extra pressure if it’s not necessary, and I know now that I have no need to let it in my life, I have the keys to make those lines that others and also myself aren’t allowed to cross. And I do not need to feel bad about taking care of myself like that.

There’s this massive trend of being more all the time, faster, anyfucking thing, just as long as you do it a lot and show it to the world in some way in your media outlets. It gets tiring and has no effect at some point. I feel like I’ve been on both sides of that, and now I notice more often than not that I just don’t feel anything when I see someone posting a positive this or that or how much and fast they’ve been running, it’s just noise to me. And I feel in a way guilty of even letting myself be this honest about it. But I’ve felt that less is more can be so many things, we don’t have to post every aspect of our lives for them to be real, to us, who they should mean the most. The quality of our own lives doesn’t feel as high as it should, we put it out there like it does but does it to us all when we behave like that or do we just grave for the attention to validate our own being through likes?

And there’s this flipside of starting to feel bitter and jealous of it all. You’re surrounded by it all, it comes from every aspect of your life, not only social media and then it starts to feel like it’s suffocating you whole. And doing anything starts to feel like it’s useless because, why should you you’ll never get “there”.

It’s really hard to stay relevant even to yourself when you really don’t do a thing to make the situation better or different, but that’s the thing the pressure to do anything starts to be so massive that it’s easier to be bitter than try. Especially if you’ve had a history of failing as a habit or a way of life, because of those self doubts, those insecurities. What all that drifting further and further from that “Do” Me does is, it fills you with doubts on top of doubts, it pushes you further away from the you, you were before it all landed on you like a thick blanket without you realizing. Climbing back up from there is insanely hard work, especially when you clearly are not who you were but not 100% sure who you are or want to be now. There’s a certain pressure in “getting back up” once you’ve already done it before, whether it is writing or running or whatever. It almost gets harder and not easier, because of the fact that you’ve done it before and it also can make you feel extra insecure, because the biggest step in your way is YOU!

I have too many years in me of getting used to failure and not believing in any way or form that I do deserve the good in life, that it’s really easy to fall on that side of thoughts than remember that positive push you also have in you. But it is like anything else in life, if you don’t practice it enough and make it a habit you forget it and it becomes hard again.

I’ve had to find ways again now to start feeling better, it’s been a long road to recovery in many ways this year. I haven’t wanted to slow down because deep down I knew that when I do, all that I had dusted away will pop up. But I never knew how much will come and to what level I need to dig to start the healing once again. I really needed to slow down to a full stop to see how broken I was. I needed to let myself fall down to see if I still have the fight in me.

After almost a month of morning meditation, which isn’t the easiest thing but I’m really feeling the benefits, and reading actual books a lot, I’m starting to feel like I might have a idea who I am and who I want to be. And there’s nothing wrong that that is nothing who I have been, that’s only a good thing. I am not who I was, I am who I am now. And honestly I am scared shitless. I have no idea what to do, but I know I have to try, even when that is the one thing I wish I could just jump over or crawl under. To behave like I have done and be miserable when it didn’t work like it never did. I don’t know if anyone reads this blog, or if anyone wants to run in my running crew, but those are still two things that seem to make me feel better, so I choose to keep trying.

My insecurities, depression and doubts will always take over me, when I am weaker, but maybe that’s not so bad. I read in one book this thing that said around like this ” our depression often comes to our lives when we need to slow down and stop to evaluate our situation”. I had it bookmarked because it really resonated with me. Maybe depression isn’t only a bad thing, for me it has made me who I am now. Not with the easiest roads but still. So without the struggle who would I be, I have no interest knowing.

Being alone and really slowing down is one of the best things I know. It charges my batteries, and sometimes that takes a lot longer than before but it’s so necessary in this “ON” world of ours. And we don’t need to be able to do and be like everyone else, if someone hustles all the time, let them. But you don’t have to or need to, to be where you feel the best. That is something I need to tell myself quite often, but I’m only a human. And that’s okay.

And here it is, a piece that I just wrote, didn’t think just wrote and didn’t even proofread…

PMA ❤

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Healing & Dealing, Dealing & Healing

img_4285I just needed to be by myself, to hear my steps, my breath and silence the exhaustion filled over stimulated mind of mine. I needed to exhaust my physical being so that my mind would calm down finally. I needed to run. I finally needed a run. I just needed that feeling of healing with every step. I started that ever long road of healing and dealing, dealing and healing.

I have been so overly exhausted lately that it’s gone to the point where I don’t even recognize it. My whole being has just wanted a break, from everything. While still feeling happy and excited and positive at times, I’ve also felt so deep rooted pain, hurt and pure anger. And I haven’t really known a way to deal with them, to help myself heal from all that has been bubbling in me. Some of it from years and years ago, some very recent.

I feel that while 2015 was all about running, and healing those broken pieces I had from losses in my life, and that all really empowering me, at the same time it took me to a point where I just didn’t want to run at all. I was tired of it and I wanted something completely new. Maybe I wanted a break from those memories that running has brought in my life. But I really didn’t want to run. At all.

“Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live.”

This year I’ve very slowly started finding running again, but with a total different mindset. I’m running for myself. I don’t care about times, speed or distance. I just run if I feel like it.

But last weekend and today I felt that I need to run. I needed to be on my own for little over and hour and just listen to my steps. And all of sudden that empowering me started embracing itself tonight. Out of nowhere I felt how I had my old push when going uphill. Running was all of sudden fun again.

I think I’ve forgotten myself so deeply the past half a year or so, that I’ve forgotten why I started doing certain things that I truly love and that make me feel a lot better. I’ve been feeling so lost that the exhaustion of trying to find myself again just dug a deeper hole in me. While at the same time I’ve found those people that truly are the ones I want to keep close and be more social with. I’ve been in this weird situation where I can’t figure out really what feels good and what not, and then out of nowhere those flip sides and I’m all confused again.

Healing and dealing broken pieces in yourself take time, but sometime it all comes after a long time, when you already thought that you’re better from it all. And then it hits you like a tidal wave and you have nothing to say about it, you try to embrace it but in reality you just feel like you’re drowning. That’s how I’ve really felt lately. I want to feel happy and positive again, but I also feel like I have no energy for anything. Nothing.

Those pieces in me have started to move and that makes me feel like I have no control of it. That I have so much pain in me that comes out as anger and hate and anxiousness and just fuck off!

I realised tonight on my run, that I’ve forgotten completely why I started to run in the first place those couple of years ago. I felt so bad back then that I needed some kind of outlet, physical outlet, to calm my over stimulated mind that was trying to heal and deal all those things I was going through with myself at the time. Well… I’m doing the same exact thing now, but didn’t want to let them out in any way. Somehow thought that it’s better if I just try to be with them, not do anything else than just think and sometimes talk about them. That obviously didn’t work out like I intended. I was so fucking exhausted today before I knew that I need to run. I had nothing in me when I put my running clothes on, nothing when I stepped out the door. I felt numb. But after the first hill my mind started clearing. My head started popping ideas, writing topics and memories like it did before, before I forgot why I run. And for some time I forgot everything, I just ran. I felt the crispy cold air on my face. I only heard my steps and my breath. I was starting to be in peace again. I started to feel myself again. I needed to run, to remember why I run, to feel alive again, to feel like I need to write to feel better again, to feel so physically tired that my mind let’s me sleep without crazy animated dreams, to let that anger and hate out, to feel empowered, to feel that I can do it all again, to feel like I have nothing to be afraid of again, to remember who I really am again, to love again.

Life is filled with ups and downs, some of us has them more and the valleys and mountains are a bit lower and a bit higher than others. But if you listen to yourself and what it’s trying to tell you, you will do good. I forgot how to love two things that I love the most. I forgot why running and writing make me feel so good. I forgot myself in the midst of pain and feeling broken. But I’m on my way back.

PMA. ❤